My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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