About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
