we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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