this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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