he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
