I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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