Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize