so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
