Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
