a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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