I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm passing your future prison.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just had sex on a roof
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize