There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
