morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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