Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
