I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
