My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
