If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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