Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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