there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
