lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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