my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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