some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
