I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
