I cannot find my penis.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
