I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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