fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
