we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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