i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
