i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
