My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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