my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
