I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
