I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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