If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
