I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize