I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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