Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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