wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
