i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
