Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
