i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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