so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
