I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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