Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
