i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
