You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
