Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
