we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
