sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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