The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
