She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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