A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
