My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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