No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
