her vagine was all disorganized.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
