smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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