mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
