I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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