it's like iHOP with fire
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
