It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
