My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
