He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
