I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
