eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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