you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
