I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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