She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
