Small penises have feelings too.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
