Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
