I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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