he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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