I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
