o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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